Sometimes a session has a hilarious one-liner, from either you or your client. After disclosing my age (this is not a post about self-disclosure, but yes, I am usually pretty comfortable telling a client how old I am if they ask), I had a client say, “Wow, you’re aging well.” Thanks…I guess… Sometimes the gem comes from my mouth and, while there is nothing but best intentions behind the statement, there are times when it could have come out better. Once, when a client was expressing frustration and a great deal of self-deprecating comments regarding her lack of progress recovering from a trauma, I told her that she was a glacier. The intent was to remind her that the healing process can be slow, yet still moving along even if the progress isn’t obvious. Needless to say, it wasn’t a moment for the highlight reel.
Recently a client was struggling to find motivation for studying, explaining that each morning she set a goal to review her work, catch up on reading or do problem sets when she gets home from class. However she usually ended up taking a nap, watching episodes of Glee or getting lost on facebook. Since there was always a list of things she preferred doing over studying, she usually didn’t get to it. While she was passing her classes, studying the night before exams and keeping up with deadlines, she was concerned that this behavior was going to come back and haunt her, that she would eventually fail a class or not pass her qualifying exams. She was convinced that to change her behavior, be motivated to study daily, she needed to really enjoy it. In her mind her classmates were all much more excited about a night in the lab than she was. She had this image of other students skipping off to the library in a fit of joy, and she believed that because she did not masochistically love the heavy workload, she was never going to be able to change her behavior. I felt this reasoning was getting her stuck. Who wouldn’t rather relax? Yet many people manage to find motivation to study or write a paper even if they would prefer to be doing something else. I mentioned that I thought her image of her peers was inaccurate and then, in my own frustration, blurted out, “A big part of being an adult is doing things you don’t want to do.”
This wasn’t a fresh statement, but actually one I’ve said quite a few times in my work with college students. It originated during an argument with a roommate years ago. I can’t remember what the conflict was about, probably household chores, but at peak frustration she said, “I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it.” The simplicity of this statement, mixed with the convoluted language, provided comic relief that diffused our argument, but not until I came out with what would become my classic buzz-kill statement. I still use it in sessions because I believe it’s true. Adult life is filled with doing things you don’t want to do.
But did my roommate have a point? Isn’t that what’s great about being a grown-up, the trade-off for 9 to 5 (9 to ?!? is more accurate for most people I know), bills and crow’s feet? As adults we can consume beverages, products and media that we didn’t have access to as a child, we can eat ice cream for dinner every night, and we can refuse to clean the bathroom for months if we choose. We can do these things, although most of us don’t. Instead we grocery shop, listen to our boss, visit in-laws and meet obligations with or without a real desire to do so. We are motivated by something besides pleasure. Where is the balance? What is it about each of us that makes this balance so personal and how do we find it? Would tipping in one direction or the other make us happier?
Lauren Schiffer, LICSW, MPH 