Out of pure coincidence I happened to spend my most recent vacation in both north and south New Jersey the same time as Hurricane Irene. Over the course of four days I was at the Jersey Shore, where the ocean and strong winds did less damage than expected, and in Northern New Jersey, where the onslaught of rain caused rivers to crest to record levels, washing out roads and flooding homes. An annual summer-send-off beach weekend turned into hurricane prevention, bringing lawn furniture and potted plants inside, tying down anything loose, evacuating from a barrier island, and keeping fingers crossed. Clean-up involved using a wet vac in the basement and collecting five garbage cans worth of fallen branches. Not the vacation I had planned, but all-in-all not so bad for a hurricane.
When the rain and heavy winds finally stopped, I practically sprinted out of the house to avoid going stir-crazy. There was a crystal-blue, cloudless sky, a perfect-ten day that almost made you forget about what happened twelve hours before. Walking through the suburban community, we observed the full range of impact. There were large tree branches on top of cars, downed power lines and blown transformers that left a block of neighbors without power for the weekend. Others had piles of belongings, ruined by basement flooding, out on the curb for trash pickup. On our walk we stopped to chat with friends, neighbors and anyone out cleaning up. Stories about the damage were swapped and jokes about my poorly timed beach vacation were made. However, what really stuck with me was that every conversation ended with, “Well, it could be worse.”
Yes, it can always be worse. If your beach vacation was ruined by a hurricane, you can be grateful that you didn’t have to evacuate from your hotel. If you had to evacuate, you can be glad it wasn’t your hometown or city that was hit. If the basement flooded, you can be grateful that your whole house wasn’t destroyed. If your house was destroyed you can be grateful that no one was hurt…. AND ON AND ON AND ON. But when do you get to stop that Look-On-The-Brightside-Pretty-Princess-Routine? Staying healthy emotionally does not mean being happy or staying positive all the time. Being emotionally healthy means having the right feelings, in the right amounts, at the right time. While it’s not good to spend your whole life complaining about your bad luck, feeling that you are being punished for something, or believing that you can’t catch a break, can you at least be allowed a week, a day, or even five minutes? In early sessions of treatment, I often encounter clients who feel embarrassed or ashamed that they are wasting my time with a problem that is “silly” or “not a big deal.” It’s as if their problems are not serious enough, or that they are not allowed to talk to a therapist because “It could be worse.” They censor themselves before our work has even started.
It doesn’t have to be so dichotomous. We can be upset, cry, and shout, “It’s not fair,” while also acknowledging that it could be worse. Yes, you could be homeless, paralyzed from a car accident, a starving orphan in Africa, or a victim of human trafficking. But you’re not. You are only you, and the only pain you can feel is your own. It’s good to have proper perspective, to be able to count your blessings, to feel and show gratitude. However, responding to every negative feeling and comment with “It could be worse” is invalidating. Allow yourself to have a negative emotion, acknowledge your feelings and then start moving on. Try this next time, “I know it could be worse, but this still really sucks.”
Lauren Schiffer, LICSW, MPH 