In a recent session a client expressed both concern and frustration with her social life. With a history of depression, she was worried that her lack of motivation to go out on weekends, her decreased interest in partying, and resulting social isolation might be warning signs that another depressive episode was starting. After going over details of her day-to-day functioning, trying to find recent changes, or identify any red flags, she reminded me that she is working 30 hours week and taking a full-time student course load of four classes. She is spending twelve or more hours a day out of the house, schlepping from home, to work, to class, to the library and back home, to wake up and do it again the next morning. Rinse and repeat.
By the time the weekend arrives she is exhausted, looking forward to lounging around in sweat pants, catching up on chores, and sleeping in. However, she expressed concern that she isn’t living the vibrant social life expected of an early twenty something. When I remarked that her schedule didn’t sound sustainable or healthy, let alone enjoyable, and that I thought the lack of motivation to socialize could simply be because she is tired, not depressed, she was skeptical. Initially she hadn’t even thought of mentioning her schedule because it was nothing new, and since it was something she was used to, she didn’t think it should be a problem. “I have been doing this for the past two years. It’s not like I can’t do it.”
Fair enough. She has been getting good grades and positive feedback from her work supervisors. Nothing is falling through the cracks officially, but she’s cranky, tired and doesn’t feel like her life is any fun. Surviving is not the same as thriving. Which is why my response was, “Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.”
I think we all do this at some point – we put ourselves on a treadmill that we don’t know how to get off of, or push ourselves past a healthy limit because we don’t know how to say “no”. Sometimes we don’t know something will be bad for us until we are knee deep in it, and then it’s hard to get out without a “real” reason. Don’t get me wrong, at times it is good to test our limits, to push ourselves to see what he can accomplish. It’s not always a bad thing to see what you can do, rather than stick with a terrible status quo simply because the unknown is too scary.
The important thing when deciding between a can or a should is to ask yourself why. Are you trying to prove something to yourself? Trying to get someone to like you? Do you have an unhealthy need for a thrill? Did your parents teach you that it’s important to see something through to the finish and that’s a value you won’t abandon, no matter what? Are you afraid that if you change something, you’ll feel like a failure? Trying to keep your schedule so busy so that you don’t have time to notice you’re unhappy in your relationship? I could go on all night.
Getting to the why is the important part, where the therapy truly begins. Getting insight into behaviors, decisions, and emotions is what the work is all about. It makes the difference between surviving and thriving, and answering that one word question completely and honestly can help you decide if something is a can do or a should do.
Lauren Schiffer, LICSW, MPH 