At the end of September I had the opportunity to attend a week-long seminar on mindful eating at a yoga facility in the Berkshires. The seminar was personally and professionally transformative, the setting was beautiful, and I plan to share and reflect on the experience repeatedly in this blog. The highlight of the experience was the interaction with other dedicated professionals in the mental health, nutrition, eating disorders, meditation and medical fields. It can be rejuvenating and inspiring to hear others talk about your field, from the practicalities of how they run their business to the philosophies that keep them excited about the work.
While in the gift shop/book store on one of the last evenings, a therapist I spent a good part of the week with was, at my request, making recommendations for my further reading, by pulling books related to eating disorders, mindfulness based mediation and psychology off the shelves and handing them to me. I’ve always been a sucker for books, so I walked out of the shop with a large pile. One of the books I purchased was When Food is Love by Geneen Roth and because my friend had gasped with delight, held the book to her chest before handing it to me and saying, “I loved this one,” I started reading it right away on the bus back to Boston and finished it in less than a day.
Roth has written a number of books on compulsive eating and women’s relationship with food, She made a name for herself with her book Breaking Free from Emotional Eating and its accompanying workshops. Roth writes from a personal, spiritual and reflective perspective, and helps readers explore their relationship with food on a much deeper level than weight or body image. Whether you have compulsive eating behaviors, bulimia, or have been on a diet, Roth’s books are worth reading. Roth captured me very early in When Food is Love:
“As I began spinning a world in which there were only two players, food and me, my capacity to be affected by other people diminished greatly…As long as my attention was consumed by what I ate…and what my life would be like when I finally lost the weight, I could not be deeply hurt by another person…When I did feel rejected by someone, I reasoned that she or he was rejecting my body, not me, and that when I got thin, things would be different.”
I cannot count how often the sentiment comes through in my work with women, and not just those with eating disorders. Life becomes about being on a diet. Identity is “Dieting.” Things like going to the beach, getting a message, having sex with the lights on are put off for “When I lose weight,” as if those activities are only reserved for women of a certain size and the only activity you are currently allowed is “dieting.” This world becomes very specific and very small.
Having an obsession, in this case food, shelters you from the truth. The truth could be a trauma history, an unhealthy relationship, an unspoken fear, anything. But instead this very important thing gets played out as being unhappy with what you eat, how much you weigh, and dieting becomes the distraction. Diets keep us focused outside of ourselves, allow us to ignore bigger questions about our values, what we believe in, how we make meaning in our life, the kind of woman we want to be, how we will connect intimately.
“It is not possible to be obsessed with food or anything else and to be truly intimate with ourselves or another human being; there is simply not enough room.”
Not enough room…
If you talk with someone diagnosed with anorexia or bulimia about how much time they think about food, the answer is usually, “All the time,” or “I don’t think about anything else.” When a client tells me this, I ask them to imagine what it would be like if they had all that time back, how much they could do with that space, and where they would transfer all that attention and energy. For some this idea is liberating, others terrifying. For a small group of clients I’ve asked, this question is ridiculous. They are so stuck in their current obsessive state that they can’t even imagine this possibility. Their world has become too small and there is not enough room for anything else, even fantasies.
For the rest of us, though, we can acknowledge that an unhealthy relationship with food, hating our bodies and an obsession with dieting are taking up too much space. We can make more room. What would you do if you had more room? I’m not talking about more time in your day to add in another chore, nap, phone call to your grandmother, or any other “should” you think ought to do. I’m talking about more room in your heart, head, emotions. Would you be more creative? More energetic? More successful? More fun? More interesting? Would you feel more love or gratitude? Would you find it easier to forgive? Would you finally be at peace with yourself? Would you be able to let someone in, allow yourself a closeness with someone else deeper than anything you’ve ever had?
Imagine the possibilities.
Lauren Schiffer, LICSW, MPH 