Sometimes a client and I come up with an expression or phrase in session that we then refer to for the rest of our time together. It becomes part of our therapeutic language, a memento of our work together. If it is something I think will be helpful to other clients, I’ll repeat it, but in my mind it will always be connected to the client and session where it was created.
This happened recently with a client who is dealing with a very difficult break-up that has left her feeling not only devastated, but lonely, unwanted and totally undesirable. While in this state, she agreed to join a friend for drinks with a guy who expressed interest in my client’s friend. The friend wasn’t sure how she felt about the guy, so she wanted back up. That’s right, my client knowingly agreed to be the third wheel, at a time when the last thing she wanted or needed to see was to see a budding romance up close. When I asked her why she agreed to this, she wasn’t sure, but she knew before even going that it would make her feel bad. We decided to name this behavior “Feeding the Beast.”
Feeding the Beast is doing things that support or reinforce your self-deprecating thoughts. It’s a set-up, with no way for you to get out of the situation without feeling worse. It’s acting against your best interests, creating a situation that everyone else can see is a bad idea. Although it’s the last thing you would ever want, you wind up deepening your pain. Feeding the Beast is:
-Spending an hour on your ex’s facebook page, combing through her photos of her vacation in Tuscany with her new boyfriend who happens to be a Brazilian underwear model
-Weighing yourself when you are feeling badly about how much you ate at yesterday’s office potluck
-Working as a bartender when you are trying to stay sober
-Attending every baby shower you get invited to while you are struggling with infertility
-Taking your mom to an all-you-can-eat buffet for Mother’s Day brunch when you are struggling with bulimia
Sometimes the Beast is hungry, it needs to be fed, and it feels like we are helpless to resist. Depression is like wearing dirty glasses, it makes it hard for us to believe we deserve to feel any differently. Having an eating disorder can feel like living with a demon, tricking you into weighing yourself fifteen times a day, feeding the obsession and shame. Don’t misunderstand me; eating disorders, infertility, and depression are real problems, brought on by various medical, neurological, psychological, environmental, and social causes. We don’t ask to feel this badly and we didn’t bring them on ourselves. However we sure can make things a hell of a lot worse for ourselves. If at all possible Don’t Feed the Beast.
Lauren Schiffer, LICSW, MPH 