A friend and I were recently discussing comparative religion on a road trip, a conversation inspired after listening to The Book of Mormon, this year’s Tony Award winning best musical by Trey Parker and Matt Stone of South Park fame. My friend, a PhD candidate, has been doing an excessive amount of academic reading this summer (“excessive” to me, but probably a normal amount for a PhD student) and she shared with me an analogy she loves and has been using all summer, which she came across in the introduction of Stephen Prothero’s God Is Not the One. From what I gather, Mr. Prothero wants his readers to understand that the major religions are not playing the same game, but very different ones, with different rules, different scoring systems and different outcomes. To compare and communicate between religions one needs to under stand this.
Later that weekend she brought out the analogy when giving another friend advice about how to deal with a family conflict. Our mutual friend was having a hard time figuring how to support her brother through a difficult time, while also dealing with all the mixed feelings that tend to arise when family dynamics are involved, such as frustration, love, resentment and concern. She wanted to help her brother as soon as possible and wanted to know what she could say or do to get him to seek out the help he needs. But it’s never that simple, and the analogy was fitting. “Right now, the two of you aren’t playing the same game. It’s as if you play baseball and he plays basketball. Your advice, suggestions and encouragement come across to him as if you were telling a basketball player that he should score a lot of runs.”
The analogy really appeals to me. Although the concept is not new in social work or mental health, it’s funny, simple and is a nice replacement to the overused, seventies-cheesy, social work phrase, “Meet the client where they’re at.” Honestly, it felt like this phrase was tossed out a daily basis in social work school, so over used and groan-worthy that even professors could be caught wincing, making air quotes or practically apologizing for saying it. However the phrase couldn’t be avoided because the concept was so appropriate, important to our training and clinically rich.
As clinicians we have to remind ourselves regularly that the goal of treatment must be the client’s agenda, not our own. It’s not about us and it’s not up to us to decide what is best for someone else. Despite our best intentions, if we don’t understand what matters to the client, how they see the world, how they define success, or what type of changes they think are important, we miss the mark. Ultimately a major goal in my session is not to tell someone what to do, but to help them decide what they want to do and how to get there. To coach you or cheer you on, I have to understand the game you are playing.
Lauren Schiffer, LICSW, MPH 